Masking and its uses
In much popular discourse around neurodiversity, masking is portrayed as a shame-based behaviour aimed at deflecting aggression or preserving important attachments, often at the expense of a person's mental wellbeing. But masking can also arise from a hyperfocus on people.
We're used to thinking of intense special interests as an autistic trait, classically focussed on the collection and categorisation of objects or knowledge. But many people with ADHD (and also PDA, a lesser known profile on the autistic spectrum) take an intense and highly focussed interest in people and relationships, which can make it nearly impossible not to take on others' habits and mannerisms in social situations, to instinctively guess their needs and desires, and to adapt automatically in order to meet them.
Consciously unmasking in supportive relationships and environments improves quality of life enormously for many neurodivergent people. And for many - possibly most - of those people, masking is an exhausting, energy-intensive activity that has to be thought about and done deliberately on a case-by-case basis with every social encounter. It contributes a great deal to burnout and shutdown.
But people whose masking feels automatic and hardwired can feel at a loss about how to unmask. Blending in with other people may feel like an important source of safety and stability - a fairly canny, adaptive behaviour in response to a hierarchical and conformist society; a protective exoskeleton. Is there a way to accept masking as an integral part of some people’s orientation to the world, rather than something inauthentic to be purged, or a form of oppression that requires liberation?
People with ADHD feel a tremendous amount of guilt, and sometimes the most well-meaning self-help narratives add to this guilt, giving the impression that you should be vulnerable and authentic, know what you want, go with your gut instinct, be true to yourself. The very directive tone of much social media wellbeing content can feel like a hot mess of urgent dogmatism about what is and is not OK or healthy - much of it wildly contradictory - and this can be confusing and overwhelming for people who are hypervigilant about doing the right thing.
Here are some reflective questions to help you explore how masking works in
your life:
When are you aware that you are masking, and what does it feel like? Does it feel different in different situations?
Do you find that you stay quiet, rather than risk being perceived as too much, or over the top? What do you miss out on because of this? Can you put your finger on what triggers your masking in these situations?
Does it feel rewarding or stimulating when you have the sense that you are performing well socially? Which situations does this happen in? And when is it helpful or unhelpful for you?
Are there any situations where you feel compulsively drawn to try to please difficult people? What is the draw?
Are there people in your life who you feel relaxed with? Do you enjoy that relaxed feeling, or does it feel not enough in some way?
Do you ever think of yourself as a consumer of social experiences? Or do you tend to feel you need to be the entertainment?
Whose company feels good to you? How does it feel good?
When you think of the people who value you, what do they like about spending time with you?
